How to heal?

As a therapist, I talk a lot about self-care and support. In my opinion, this is the cornerstone of healing. And yet so many of us do not have either in place.

I am still learning the depth and importance of support and self-care. What I feel and hear from clients, from friends and even within myself, echoes a longing, a loneliness. We cling to being resilient in Modern Society. We idolise self-sufficiency. We praise each other for 'dealing well' with loss, trauma and transition, which means the person got on with life quickly.

And yet we long for a space that no longer exists. We long for community, support and tribes. We once had elders and mothers who helped raise our young. We would be held by our village through death and grief. We were allowed to delve into the depths of our emotions. We had support without asking for it. It was part of our way of life. We had a deep understanding of life transitions, we honoured them,and we had space and time for them. We had initiations into them.

Now we have to get back to work; we have a time frame to feel and to heal. We are complimented on how quickly we return to "normal".

So, how to bring these concepts back? How do we really get the support and self-care we need to come back from transition, trauma?

How do we heal?

1. Know thyself. Yes, this phrase is simple, overused and pretty abstract. But it is true and profound. Know what you need. Really ask yourself, what do I need right now? What will help my healing or recovery? What can I source for myself? Can I prioritise myself in this? Do I need time? Do I need space? Do I need to feel? Do I need to not feel? Right now in my journey, what is that I need?

   
   

   This should be independent of others. This should not be reliant on the actions of others. And this, I feel, is where we abandon ourselves time and time again. For example. I need time - quickly abandoned by I can't because ( insert reason ). I am not saying this to shame you, as I realise that our society does not honour emotional and spiritual healing. It only honours physical healing. So we sometimes only feel we can ask for this type of time if we physically need it.

   
   

   So feel the push back to these questions. Explore the push back. Explore the I can't, it's not possible. And as frankly as I can say it. Stop. Stop abandoning yourself and your needs. If you broke your leg, you would stop walking on it. Right. It's a no-brainer. Treat your emotional and spiritual needs in the same manner. Honour it.

   
   

   Allow yourself the time. If that's what you need. And there are a million ways you can make time. You can hire a cleaner, reduce hours at work, deactivate Social Media, and start taking an hour in the morning or evening. It doesn't have to be drastic. But take some action towards that need.

   
   

2. Once you figure out the need, ask for support. Now this is a big one. It can be so hard to ask for support, especially if you are in a trauma response, as you will have a hard time trusting. People are people with their own stuff and can and will let you down.

   
   

   What I feel happens is we identify a need and then build up the courage to ask for support, and then we can get a no or even worse, a yes that never happens. This then causes more damage than the unmet need, as now we are in a place of rejection, abandonment, anger, loneliness and sadness. And then what do you? You abandon the need with a bit more baggage and usually say, " I knew this would happen". I am never asking for help or support again.

   
   

3. We are also inherently asking permission to get the need met. Reframe this. Depersonalise it. You are simply trying to source a need. I really deeply do get this one and fall into this category myself. I also often find it really hard to accept help as I immediately feel I have to give back. The trick with this one is to really hone in on the need. Know exactly what that need is and make a promise to yourself. That you will get it met. That you will not abandon it. The control for getting that need met is never truly in the hands of another. So if they cannot support, then you can still get your needs met.

   
   

4. Know that sometimes your loved ones can not support you in the way you need. And that's ok. It does not mean they don't love you but it means they are not able to support or hold you. And often they are doing this unconsciously. This is especially true when it comes to trauma and grief. Not everyone can hold space, not everyone can sit with pain or sadness or anger. We have largely lost that skill. That does not mean that you don't get that need met. That does not mean you can not be held. That does not mean your emotions are not important or valid. Find that space. Get the need met.

   
   

5. Pay for support or services. I spend a fortune on support. I can not go to family or friends with my stuff. I work in a very deep healing capacity and also do very deep healing modalities myself. I do not bring any of this to my loved ones. My partner knows when I am working on something to give me space. I will say what I need and he honours that. Sometimes he can hold that space. But sometimes he can't. And that's ok, as I have a team of amazing healers and therapists that I call on. I will ask myself what need I have. Perhaps it's to get outside alone, to go to the forest or beach. Maybe I want an Epsom salt bath. Maybe I need acupuncture, a massage or some Reiki.

   
   

6. Keep adding to your self-care list and understand that it will change depending on what is happening. Some things can be done alone, some things will need others. Know your tribe, who can support you with what. Don't take no for an answer when it comes to your healing, your needs and your recovery.