“You’re too soft, too sensitive”
“You need to toughen up”
“You’re too emotional”
I feel EVERYTHING, since childhood I have been a sensitive one. I would get overwhelmed so easily and often would be whingy and clingy. I was small and didn’t understand my emotions. I would see things that other’s didn’t. I would feel things other’s didn’t understand. I was often scared and anxious. I would have night terrors that I still sometimes experience. Pinned down to my bed screaming to myself wake up.
I tried so hard not to be this way. I hated feeling so much. I hated being so emotional. If someone was upset I would feel it too so I would try to make them stop being sad or upset as it would make me feel better. If someone was angry I always felt it was my fault. Then it became my responsibility to make them feel better.
I suffered with anxiety until my late 20s. I had no context for any of this. The dreams, the visions, the voices, the feelings. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom, I also made amazing connections and felt love and intimacy on a very deep level.
I like so many wounded healers, found myself on a mission to understand. Was there something wrong with me. It felt like it. Not many people knew about the voices, the visions, the feelings I experienced. And I seemed to be able to shut it down which worked really well until it didn’t.
I left home at 18 trying to avoid myself. I went to Scotland, travelled around the world, ended up in Spain. But no matter where I went
I was still there.
I was still too soft,
too emotional,
too sensitive,
too much.
I began my studies into Counselling. Unconsciously trying to fix this, understand it. I began to learn how to use emotions, I learned how to protect myself. Be a blank page, don’t share, focus on the client. This was brilliant. I could now find a way of dealing with the emotions of others without owning them. Being sensitive was now a skill I had, it helped me empathise with my client.
But it wasn’t enough, I was still having to reject parts of myself. I was still having to hide and conform.
And then I found Reiki or rather Reiki found me. And FINALLY I had a place where all the mad stuff made sense. I was able to talk about my experiences with other ‘normal’ people and didn’t feel like a lunatic. No one told me I was mad, or stupid or lying. In fact I would often get a nod of solidarity.
In my profession they scoff at the spiritual, being from NI I denounced religion so finding a context for my experiences that did not require statistical evidence or to join a religious group was mind blowing.
So I continued my exploration like Alice down the rabbit hole. I felt like I split in two. One part being practical, intelligent, socially acceptable, professional and the other part bathing with crystals, journeying and imersing with nature.
The last five years I have softened the boundary between these two parts, I have relaxed into myself. I trust myself, my intuition guides me now.
Am I fearful of rejection, you bet.
Am I scared people will tell me I am mad or stupid. Yup.
Do I have nightmares of the BACP knocking on my door smelling the sage and stripping me of my accreditation. ABSOLUTELY
Am I going to reject myself again? NO
Am I going to apologise for my emotions? Nope
Am I going to stop being soft? No
Am I going to ‘toughen up’. Not likely
I have finally embraced it. Even though sometimes it conflicts, I embrace it. In a world that values toughness, strength is not feeling, thinking outweighs feeling.
Be brave.
Feel.
Love.
Accept.
Be gentle,
Be soft.
Be boundaried.
Say no.
Learn how to understand your emotions, they are your messengers. Set your boundaries. Without boundaries you can not be safe to feel all of this.
I am in this space in between. One foot in the spiritual and the other in the earth.
A feeler
A Mother
A daughter
A friend
A little bit of everything.
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